Superray Eowyn and Faramir
by Nina aka The Author
Summary: Peter Jackson messed up with not showing us enough EowynFaramir scenes, so I have taken the liberty to take my Superray gun and fix that little error.


_This is pure parody. Thought I'd make that clear. I don't own anything except for the Superray concept. Also, please, I beg you, this isn't MST. Just another parody._

-_The Author_

* * *

In the year 2003, Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema presented a movie that would change the fate of many who watched it. That movie was The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It covered the betrayal of Gollum, the Battle of Pelennor Fields, the madness of Denethor, and the ultimate destruction of the Ring. Upon viewing the movie, a cry went up among the fans:

E/F shippers: WHERE THE HELL IS EOWYN AND FARAMIR?

The epic romance of Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan, and Faramir, Captain of Gondor, had been reduced to a cheesy smile at the end of the movie!

Aragorn: _makes a boring speech about humility and unity_

Everyone: _applauds_

Eowyn and Faramir: _smile at each other_

That's right! They reduced an _entire chapter of the third book_ to make way for some stupid romance that had only been listed in the appendices!

Aragorn: I love you!

Arwen: You have a great destiny before you!

Aragorn: I love you!

Arwen: I give up my immortality for you!

Aragorn: Is that dress see-through?

The web nation felt the wrath of the E/F shippers. Long blogs were written, condemning Peter Jackson as the lowest scum of the earth. Fan fictions were written to fill in the gaps left by the movie. Fans were overjoyed to hear of the release of the Extended Edition.

E/F shippers: New and Extended Scenes! That must mean more Faramir and Eowyn goodness! I just won't eat for a while!

Armed with unhealthy snack foods and unnaturally thin wallets, E/F shippers sat before their new American altars, surrounded by Surround Sound, and watched with joy. It seemed promising.

E/F shippers: Hey! A scene called _Houses of Healing!_ Another scene: _The Captain and the White lady!_ Sweet!

The Extended edition had only two Faramir/Eowyn scenes, each barely lasting thirty seconds long. The scenes:

Houses of Healing:

_Eowyn gets up and walks to the window of the Houses of Healing. She looks out and scans the horizon. She looks to the left of herself – and sees Faramir, Captain of Gondor, his arm in a sling, watching her. He leans against a pole and smiles a little._

The Captain and the White Lady:

Eowyn: OMG, the world is cold and depressing AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Faramir: I disagree.

Eowyn: You're so sweet!

_She leans on his shoulder. He smiles a little._

E/F shippers: And…?

Hello? What happened to "they watched the battle with the wind blowing in their faces, mixing their hair together, raven and gold"? What happened to, "he kissed her above the battlements, and cared not who saw"? What happened to, "Will you have people say 'there goes Faramir, Captain of Gondor, who tamed the wild Shieldmaiden of Rohan, was there no woman of his own race to choose from'? And he said, 'I would.'"

Clearly, Peter Jackson messed up. Fortunately, the author of this piece of what is blatantly fan fiction happens to have a superray that can zap cast, crew, and set using models from movies and a pre-written script. And so, without further ado, silverjigsaw presents…

THE STEWARD AND THE WHITE LADY

In association with Peter Jackson and New Line Cinemas

Produced by & Directed by silverjigsaw

Starring David Wenham, Miranda Otto, Viggo Mortensen, Brad Dorif, Karl Urban,

Bernard Hill, Orlando Bloom, John Rhys-Davies, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, John Nogle, and Sean Bean

Based upon the books by J.R.R. Tolkien

* * *

**Golden Hall of Edoras**

Eowyn: Your son is badly wounded, my Lord.

Theoden: _wheezes_

Eomer: Some of Saruman's orcs got him.

Grima: Lies! Filthy lies! Something must be done about you.

Thunder: _and lightning_

* * *

**Some Random Shadowy Multi-Pillared Hall of Edoras**

Eomer: Saruman bought you, didn't he?

Grima: Uh…what? Your sister's walking by and she has a nice can.

Eomer: Now I kill you!

Grima: Er…sorry…by order of the King Theoden you've been banished from the Kingdom. You are the weakest link, g'bye.

* * *

**Theodred's Furry Bedroom of Edoras**

Eowyn: _cries over her dead cousin_

Grima: Oh, he's dead. What a tragedy for you.

Eowyn: I am crying, aren't I?

Grima: Listen, babe, I get you. You're hot. I mean, you're cold. Cool. Fair. Really swell, you know? And I can fix that whole loneliness thing. Theme. Thing.

Eowyn: Wow, you have no eyebrows.

* * *

**The Golden Hall of Edoras**

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: _enter swarm converge punch kick maim head-butt_

Grima: _wets pants_

Gandalf: The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King.

Grima: Go away! You're not wanted!

Gandalf: Hold your forked tongue! I have not battled fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!

Grima: Wow, that was a totally awesome line.

Gandalf: I release you from your curse, Theoden!

Theoden: _laughs_

Gandalf: Er…well…that wasn't supposed to happen.

Theoden: I'm really Saruman!

Legolas: Like my spider senses didn't tell me that already.

Gandalf: _glows white_

Theoden and Grima: _wet pants_

Eowyn: _enters_

Aragorn: _grabs her_

Eowyn: _falls in love_

Gandalf: _jerks his staff_

Gimli: That doesn't sound dirty at all.

Theoden: _growls_

Gandalf: _jerks his staff_

Gimli: Not at ALL.

Theoden: _falls back_

Eowyn: _runs to him_

Theoden: I know your face! You're…um…don't tell me…er…hold on, I'll get it…Eowyn, right?

Eowyn: _cries

* * *

_

**Golden Hall, later.**

Theoden: We're under attack! Let's all slowly travel to Helm's Deep down an extremely vulnerable path where we can be easily ambushed!

Gandalf: I don't like it.

Aragorn: _looks angsty

* * *

_

**The Stables of Edoras**

Servant: Crazy horse! Let's shoot it!

Aragorn: No, let me! Shush, horse.

Horse: _falls in love_

Eowyn: His name is Brego.

Aragorn: Hello, Brego.

Horse: _nibbles on his ear_

Aragorn: _talks in Elvish_

Eowyn: Wow, he can tame a horse, but can he tame ME?

Aragorn: Turn this poor guy free.

Horse: Nooooooo! Take me with you and your quiet handsomeness, Viggo!

Eowyn: No, take me!

Aragorn: _looks angsty

* * *

_

**Golden Hall**

Eowyn: _fake sword-fights_

Aragorn: _joins her_

Aragorn: Wow, you can totally hold a sword up without falling over.

Eowyn: Yeah, you're pretty hot. I mean, I'm pretty good.

Aragorn: You scared of something, Princess?

Eowyn: Yeah…a cage. Except an entirely metaphorical cage, you understand.

Aragorn: Of course. Don't you worry your pretty head about it. I doubt that'll happen to you.

Eowyn: _falls in love

* * *

_

**Forests of Not Edoras**

Sam: What we need's a few taters.

Smeagol: What's taters, precious?

Sam: Po-Tay-Toes! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick em in a stew!

Frodo: _is gone_

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Man, and the only who's not supposed to wander off by himself. I'm a really bad bodyguard.

Frodo: _is watching mercenaries travel to Mordor_

Sam: What is that, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Mercenaries traveling to Mordor, Sam.

Sam: Well, speaking of Mordor, let's go there.

Frodo: Nah, let's watch the mercenaries travel for an excruciatingly long time.

Sam: I'd really feel better if we were off to Mordor.

Frodo: Really, I'd rather watch these guys walk by.

Sam: We really should get moving and leave the rabbit stew behind.

Frodo: I'm good.

Sam: They could see us.

Frodo: I'll slip on the magic ring so that no one can see me except the Enemy.

Sam: I give up.

Frodo: Okay, let's go.

Sam: No, wait, look, Mr. Frodo! Oliphaunts!

Mercenary: I keel you!

Hobbits: _wet pants_

Faramir: _kills mercenary_

Frodo: Wow, thanks, handsome stranger!

Faramir: _gives a monologue about how the mercenary wasn't evil, making sure we know he's a good guy_

Frodo: _falls in love_

Faramir: Well, blindfold these two innocent-looking dudes and take 'em to our headquarters!

* * *

**On the Road to Helm's Deep**

Eowyn: Here, have some stew.

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Eowyn: My Uncle told me you're really old.

Aragorn: It's true. I'm 87.

Eowyn: Wow, you're old.

Aragorn: _looks angsty

* * *

_

**Later, On the Road to Helm's Deep**

Eowyn: So, where'd you get the jewel?

Aragorn: Huh?

Eowyn: The jewel. On your neck? The only thing on your body that isn't sweaty, dirty, dingy, dark, or disgusting?

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Eowyn: Crap.

* * *

**Flashback **

Arwen: In case you forgot, we're deeply in love.

Aragorn: I dream about you nightly.

Arwen: Even though we're not in the book.

Aragorn: Well, we get mentioned.

Arwen: Love you, doll.

* * *

**Back to the Present**

Aragorn: I got it from this hot elf chick.

Eowyn: Crap.

Legolas: My spider senses are tingling.

Theoden: We're under attack! Women and children, run for your lives!

Eowyn: Except me, right? You'll let me fight, right?

Theoden: Hell, no. You stay with the women.

Eowyn: _looks angsty_

Aragorn: Don't do that, dollface. Makes you look ugly.

Eowyn: Crap.

* * *

**Attack of the Wolves of Isengard**

Gimli: I can't ride a horse!

Warg: Grr!

Gimli: I keel you!

Legolas: _kills warg_

Gimli: _is stuck under the warg_

Goblin: Grr!

Gimli: _headtwist!_

Goblin: _dead!_

New Warg: Grr!

Aragorn: _behead!_

Gimli: Whew!

Aragorn: _falls off cliff_

Audience: Hah! Take that!

* * *

**Cave in the Forests of Ithilien**

Frodo and Sam: _unblindfolded_

Faramir: So, chaps, whatcha doing out here in the Forests of Ithilien?

Frodo: Uh…we're on vacation.

Sam: Mmhmm. That's right. Vacation.

Faramir: What are you, his bodyguard?

Sam: No, his gardener.

Faramir: Rrrriiight. And the third member of your party? Who is that? Your love child?

Frodo: Psh. I wish. I mean, there was no other.

Faramir: Look, just tell me the truth.

Frodo: We came from Rivendell on a special quest that we can't tell you any more about.

Faramir: Hey, my brother left from Rivendell on a special quest that he couldn't tell us any more about.

Sam: Oh, you're Boromir's brother.

Faramir: _looks angsty_

Frodo: _falls in love

* * *

_

**Flashback**

Boromir: _swings dangerously from a flagpole seven stories high_

Faramir: The men love you!

Boromir: BEER!

Denethor: I have this special mission that requires an extraordinary amount of tact, subtlety, and intelligence, so I'm going to send my big muscular brute of a son instead of the intelligent one that desperately seeks my approval.

Boromir: How does that work?

Faramir: Jackass.

* * *

**The Forbidden Pool**

Faramir: Here's the deal, Frodo. Either you get this gray dude to leave the pool, or I shoot.

Frodo: Er…he's my guide.

Faramir: Hah! And you told me there's only two of you in your group.

Frodo: _lures Smeagol out of the pool_

Rangers: _grab beat punch kick throw on the ground_

Smeagol: _becomes schizophrenic again

* * *

_

**Helm's Deep**

Aragorn: I'm not dead!

Horse: _kisses Aragorn_

Aragorn: Ooohh…Arwen…

Horse: Sure, that's my name. Arwen.

Aragorn: _rides horse to Helm's Deep_

Aragorn: Wow, you're a really smart horse.

Gimli: Yay! Aragorn! You're not dead!

Aragorn: Yeah, sure whatever. Hey, Legolas!

Gimli: Bitch.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're late.

Aragorn: Very good.

Legolas: Here's your jewel back.

Gimli: That's not dirty at ALL.

Eowyn: _falls in love

* * *

_

**Random Hall in Helm's Deep**

Theoden: _gives an inspiring speech_

Gimli: _blows big, huge horn_

Gimli: Not dirty at ALL.

* * *

**Caves of Ithilien**

Faramir: You have the One Ring To Rule Them All.

Frodo: How'd you guess?

Faramir: My father would hold me above all men if I gave him this Ring.

Frodo: He has father issues, too!

Faramir: In fact…I think I will bring you back to Gondor with me.

Frodo: _falls in love_

Sam: Mr. Frodo? That's a bad thing?

* * *

**Somewhere In Helm's Deep**

Legolas: My spider senses tell me that we should fortify that wall there.

Aragorn: Done and done.

Eowyn: Aragorn! I'm supposed to go hide in the caves with the women!

Aragorn: Well, you are a woman, unless there's something you're not telling me.

Eowyn: But I want to fight!

Aragorn: Tough noogies.

Eowyn: I LOVE YOU.

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Eowyn: Crap.

* * *

**Osgiliath**

Faramir: Send these Hobbits to my Father. Tell him Faramir sends a great gift.

Nazgul: _attack_

Goblins: _invade_

Gondorians: _defend_

Frodo: _stands on top of the wall and holds up the Ring_

Faramir: I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust him!

Sam: _jumps on Frodo_

Frodo: Oh, Sam!

Faramir: Hmm…clearly this conflict of interest means that they're both entirely trustworthy people that I can totally send into Mordor to destroy the Weapon of the Enemy!

Gollum: And then I kill them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Faramir: _throws him against the wall

* * *

_

**The Battle of Helm's Deep**

Elves: _show up_

Rohirrim: Yay!

Gimli: I'm short!

Orcs: _attack_

Rohirrim: _defend_

Elves: _shoot arrows_

Orcs: _die_

Theoden: We might just win!

Orcs: _blow up wall_

Theoden: Crap.

Rohirrim: _die_

Aragorn: Gimli! Let's hold off the invading troops by going a secret way around and attacking from the side!

Gimli: I'm short!

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: Toss me!

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: Toss me! I'm too short! I won't be able to make the jump! Just don't tell the elf.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me the Dwarf is degrading himself.

Aragorn: _tosses Gimli_

Gimli: _behead stab slice cut maim_

Aragorn: _jumps_

They: _kill a thousand Orcs Between Them Via Movie Magic_

Orcs: _die_

Rohirrim: _die_

One Elf: _dies_

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Theoden: We won't make it until morning!

Morning: _comes_

Gandalf: _comes_

Eomer: _comes_

Eorlingas: _attack_

Orcs: _die_

Fangorn Forest: _appears_

Orcs: _retreat_

Fangorn Forest: _kill slice maim rip tear bash punch kick whip murder_

Everyone: _cheers

* * *

_

**The Golden Hall of Edoras**

Theoden: Hail the victorious dead!

Rohirrim: Hail!

All: _drink_

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Gimli: LET'S DRINK!

Eowyn: Here, Aragorn, drink from my cup.

Aragorn: _drinks_

Eowyn: _falls in love_

Aragorn: _walks away_

Theoden: I'm happy for you, Eowyn. He's a great guy.

Eowyn: Gee, thanks, Uncle.

Audience: Aw they love each other!

Gimli: _falls down drunk

* * *

_

**The Golden Hall of Edoras At Night**

Eowyn: _is sleeping in the Hall instead of her chambers for some reason_

Aragorn: _walks into the Hall for some weird reason_

Eowyn: _grabs his hand_

Aragorn: wtf?

Eowyn: I dreamed I saw a great wave, climbing over the lands and above hills. I stood upon the brink. It was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet. There was a light shining behind me, but I could not turn, only stand and wait.

Aragorn: Yeah, that's deep, sweetheart.

Aragorn: _puts her hand under the blanket_

Eowyn: OMG he touched my chest!

* * *

**The Great Hall of the Kings in Minas Tirith**

Gandalf: Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.

Pippin: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…

Gandalf: Greetings, Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor.

Denethor: I know about Boromir. I know about Frodo. I know about the Ring. I know about Aragorn. And now, you, random hobbit, you talk.

Pippin: Uh…

Denethor: Hm. Interesting. I like your style. Ever met my son Boromir?

Pippin: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry he died defending me and my kinsmen WHO IS NOT MY GAY LOVER I'll do anything to make you feel better!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Gandalf and Pippin: _exit_

Denethor: Okay.

Gandalf: Wait, I was supposed to tell him to light the beacons to call for aid in the battle against Mordor that's about to happen!

* * *

**Random Road in Minas Tirith**

Gandalf: Here's the deal. Pippin, you're going to climb up an extremely tall stone wall and light a very, very big pile of wood without the King's permission and without anyone noticing and without you dying. You can do it. You're a hobbit.

Pippin: Great.

Gandalf: _tries to look innocent_

Pippin: _climbs up the huge cliff thing_

Tower Guards: _drink ale_

Pippin: _knocks over lighter fluid_

Tower Guards: _drink ale_

Pippin: _lights the beacon_

Tower Guards: What are we drinking?

Pippin: _scales down the wall_

Legolas: I couldn't have done better myself.

* * *

**Golden Hall of Edoras**

Aragorn: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Theoden: And we will answer!

Rohirrim: Woohoo!

Eowyn: Say, I think I'll ride along and die in battle!

* * *

**Osgiliath**

Gondorian: _is shot_

Faramir: Quick! Everyone run in the direction the arrow came from!

Orcs: _invade_

Gondorians: _defend_

Orcs: _kill maim spew blood look ugly_

Gondorians: _defend stab shove look shiny_

Faramir: _runs for next kill_

Arrows: _shoot_

Faramir: _dodges_

Random Gondorian: We can't win!

Faramir: Retreat!

* * *

**Hall of Kings in Minas Tirith:**

Denethor: The fall of Osgiliath is all your fault, Faramir! Now make it up to me by taking it back! Shoo!

Faramir: You wish I'd gone on the quest and died instead, don't you?

Denethor: Yeah, duh.

Faramir: _cries_

Denethor: Now go away and die!

Faramir: _exits_

Denethor: _eats red food_

Pippin: _sings_

It's All: _symbolic_

Faramir: _gets shot down by arrows

* * *

_

**Dunharrow**

Aragorn: So, Eowyn, what's with the sword?

Eowyn: Nnnnnothing. So, Aragorn, you're an honorable man who I would – I mean the men would die for.

Aragorn: I can't give you what you seek. You love but a shadow and a whisper.

Eowyn: Crap.

Audience: You can't? Then who the hell can?

Theoden: We only have six thousand spears. The enemy has like a hundred times that many. We are so dead.

Elrond: Here, Mr. Anderson, I mean, Aragorn, take this kick-ass sword and get some ghost soldiers in the creepy part of the mountains where men do not dare to tread.

Aragorn: Yeah, okay.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're going into danger.

Gimli: We'll come with you.

Rohirrim: Great. Now they've abandoned us.

* * *

**Sunrise**

Theoden: Eowyn, I need you to go back home and lead our people in my stead.

Eowyn: Psh. What else is new?

Theoden: I also need you to start smiling again. Like you used to. That would make me truly happy.

Audience: _sniffs

* * *

_

**Leaving Dunharrow**

Theoden: Sorry, random Hobbit number four, you can't ride into battle with us.

Merry: But I want to fight!

Theoden: Thems the breaks.

Merry: Crap!

Random Soldier: _grabs him and lets him ride in horseback_

Merry: Huh?

Random Soldier: Don't steal my word!

Merry: Wait – Eowyn? Is that you?

Eowyn: Duh. Ride with me.

* * *

**Gates of Gondor**

Faramir: _is dragged in by his horse_

Denethor: OMFG! Faramir! He's dead!

Pippin: Wait! He's still alive!

Denethor: I'm the last of my line! My sons are dead! My line has failed! Rohan has deserted us! Theoden's betrayed me. Run away! Run away!

Gondorians: Run away! Run away!

Gandalf: _smacks Denethor with his staff_

Audience: _cheers_

Gandalf: Prepare for battle!

Gondorians: _listens to him_

Orcs: _die_

Baby: _cries_

Nazgul: _attacks_

Gondorians: _die_

Goblins: _invade_

Gondorians: _shoot them_

Gandalf: Pippin! Go back to the Citadel!

Pippin: But I want to fight!

Goblins: _kill maim wound_

Gandalf: _smack smack stab swish_

Pippin: _wets pants_

Goblins: _stab slash bang_

Gandalf: _block defend kill smack_

Goblin: _sneaks up behind him_

Pippin: _stabbity_

Gandalf: Well…um…back up the Citadel, anyway.

* * *

**Random Field In Between Rohan and Gondor**

Merry: Look, my Lady, I know I'm a simple Hobbit and all that, but you're this gorgeous Rohirrim lady and you've got a lot to live for. Alls I want to do is live up to my friends.

Eowyn: I want to DIE.

Merry: Well, um.

* * *

**Minas Tirith**

Denethor: _leads a funeral procession_

Pippin: _follows_

Denethor: There is no more hope for Gondor.

A Flower: _blossoms on the White Tree_

Denethor: No tomb for Denethor and Faramir. Time to die like the heathen kings of old. Bring wood and oil.

The Gate: _is destroyed_

Orcs: _invade_

Denethor: Faramir is burning. Already burning.

Pippin: HE'S NOT DEAD, YOU IDIOT.

Denethor: I release you from your service. Go now and die in what way seems best to you. POUR OIL ON THE WOOD!

Pippin: _searches for Gandalf_

Gondorians: _retreat_

Women: _scream_

Orcs: _kill maim pillage destroy_

Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his mind! He's gonna burn Faramir alive!

Gandalf: _rides with Pippin to help_

Witch King: I keel you and your staff!

Gandalf: Dammit!

Witch King: No man can kill me!

Gandalf: Great.

* * *

**Pelennor Fields**

Rohirrim: _arrive_

Witch King: _flies away_

Eowyn: _is scared_

Orcs: _wait for Theoden to give an inspiring speech_

Theoden: _gives an inspiring speech_

Rohirrim: Death!

Eowyn: _has really small teeth_

Merry: Death!

Eowyn: Death!

Rohirrim: _attack_

Orcs: _fire at will_

Will: _dies_

Rohirrim: _run over the Orcs_

Orcs: Run away! Run away!

* * *

**Funeral Room**

Denethor: _covers himself and Faramir in oil_

Faramir: _flinches_

Denethor: Set a fire in our flesh.

Four Gondorians: _approach the wood_

Gandalf: _arrives_

Denethor: _glowers_

Gandalf: Stay this madness!

Denethor: _lights fire_

Faramir: _breathes_

Gandalf: _knocks Denethor over again_

Pippin: _jumps off horse and pushes Faramir through the flames onto the floor_

Denethor: _attacks Pippin_

Pippin: _wets pants_

Gandalf: _knocks Denethor into the flames_

Faramir: _wakes up_

Denethor: Faramir!

Denethor: _goes up in smoke_

Gandalf: So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion.

* * *

**Pelennor Fields**

Eomer: _kill slash wound kill_

Theoden: _kill slash wound kill_

Eowyn: _kill slash wound kill_

Merry: _stabbity_

Theoden: Make safe the city!

Audience: Like Yoda you speak!

Mercenaries: _attack_

Rohirrim: _charge_

Eomer: _brings down two elephants with a single spear thrust_

Eowyn: _takes down another elephant_

Another elephant: _is killed_

Eowyn and Merry: _are separated_

Eowyn: _defends Theoden_

Theoden: _is impressed_

Merry: _kicks ass at killing_

Witch King: _attacks Theoden_

Theoden: _wets pants_

Witch King: Feast on his flesh.

Eowyn: I will kill you if you touch him.

Witch King: Do not come between the Nazgul and his prey.

Eowyn: _beheads Nazgul_

Witch King: Fine, come between the Nazgul and his prey. Clearly, we need a new approach. So. Here's my super-cool mace.

Eowyn: Crap.

Witch King: _swings_

Eowyn: _jumps away_

Witch King: _swings_

Eowyn: _ducks_

Witch King: _swings_

Eowyn's Shield: _is destroyed_

Eowyn: _falls back, hurt_

Witch King: _chokes Eowyn_

Merry: _stabbity_

Witch King: _drops Eowyn_

Merry: Ow my stabbing arm owowow!

Witch King: Still. No man can kill me.

Eowyn: _takes off helmet, revealing gorgeous long blonde locks that I envy_

Eowyn: I am no man.

Witch King: Crap.

Eowyn: _stabbity_

Witch King: _shrivels up and dies._

Eowyn: Owie my arm!

Orc: _attacks Eowyn_

Aragorn: _kill slash maim destroy_

Legolas: My spider senses helped me kill that elephant!

The Day: _is saved_

Aragorn: _looks angsty_

Eowyn: _finds Theoden_

Theoden: I know your face. Eowyn, right? I'm dying.

Eowyn: No. No. I'm going to save you.

Theoden: You already did.

All Eyes: _are wet_

Theoden: _dies_

Eowyn: _is speechless

* * *

_

**The Houses of Healing**

Eowyn: _is healing_

Faramir: _is healing_

Eowyn: _is depressed_

Faramir: _is in the Garden_

Eowyn: _is brought before Faramir_

Faramir: _falls in love_

Eowyn: I want to go join the battle at the Black Gate of Mordor so I can die next to my Lord Aragorn.

Faramir: _is in love_

Eowyn: So can I go?

Faramir: NO! Because…um…that's not in my power to grant.

Eowyn: Well…my window looks west instead of East, and I want to watch the battle progress.

Faramir: I can totally give you that.

Eowyn: Thanks!

Faramir: _is in love_

Eowyn: So…can I go now?

Faramir: No! Because…in return, you have to walk and talk with me in the garden every day.

Eowyn: Why?

Faramir: Because you're hot.

Eowyn: Crap.

Faramir: _is in love

* * *

_

**The Gardens**

Faramir: Here's this gorgeous shiny blue mantle with silvery stars on it.

Eowyn: Thanks!

Faramir: It was my mother's.

Eowyn: Crap.

Faramir: _is in love_

They: _watch the battle progress while the wind weaves their hair together, raven and gold

* * *

_

**Otherwhere**

The Ring: _is destroyed_

The Day: _is saved_

The People: _are happy_

Gollum: _is dead_

Eomer: _is leaving_

Eowyn: _doesn't go with him

* * *

_

**The Gardens**

Faramir: _has left the Houses of Healing_

Eowyn: _is alone_

Faramir: What's up with that?

Eowyn: Uh…nuthin'.

Faramir: Look, there's one of two reasons you're not leaving with your brother to go home. One is that you're in love with Aragorn. The other is that you're in love with me. Which is it?

Eowyn: _is silent_

Faramir: _is in love_

Eowyn: I do not desire to be queen any longer.

Faramir: Well, good thing, because I'm not gonna be King.

Eowyn: _is in love_

Faramir: _kisses her on top of the wall where everyone can see_

The Gondorians: _are happy_

Eowyn and Faramir: _are in love_

E/F shippers: _kill Eowyn and steal David Wenham for themselves_

The Author: _apologizes and removes that last sentence

* * *

_

**The Huge Stone Courtyard**

Gandalf: _crowns Aragorn_

Aragorn: _gives a boring speech about humility and unity_

Everyone: _applauds_

Eowyn and Faramir: _smile at each other_

Aragorn: _tongues Arwen_

Sam: _marries Rosie_

Frodo: _is jealous_

Everyone: _lives happily ever after_


End file.
